I want my spark back, PLEASE!

"I used to feel as if there was an insuperable wall surrounding me completely and there was no chance of ever scaling its height. Sometimes I imagined that I had been dragged out into the ocean, waves pounding on me furiously, and I was slipping below the surface. Other times, I felt like I was falling into a deep chasm and that there would be no escape. I thought I was garbage, so in return I received garbage. The negative messages inside my head were soon visible on the outside, as my confidence slowly deflated like a balloon and nothing that I was reaping was positive."

This is an excerpt of a letter that I wrote to myself seven or eight years ago. I stumbled upon this narrative written my young, fifteen-year-old self tonight, on a night where I am feeling stuck. Literally stuck in a moment that I just can't get out of. I think I wrote this back then, for my future self... which just happens to be my present self right now. As a recent college graduate who has not yet found the perfect job and has no idea, really, which career path to follow, I've been drowning in a sea of doubts. Doubts that whisper to me in the middle of night, "You don't have any skills!", "You're not talented!", "You'll never go anywhere!", and "Your dreams will never come true."

When did I start listening to doubts, fear, & negativity again? What happened to my ability to drive the negative out of my heart and let the positivity, light, and love creep back into the dark crevices of my soul?! I ended this note-to-self with this observation [I think I was wiser back then]:

"When my thoughts are contaminated by negative thoughts and I am visualizing the opposite outcome of what I wish to occur, Satan has a way of making it happen. I have learned that when we worry and verbalize fear, we are just one step closer to reality. Therefore, what we think literally translates our actions, and what happens is a direct result from our innermost thoughts, whether they are conscious or even subconscious. I’ve learned to guard carefully the words that pass through my mouth, as well as the messages I’m sending to myself, because I know that they can permanently hurt others or become lodged in my heart. Unguarded, hurtful words pursue a course of damage wherever they go like an arrow which cannot be brought back to the bow once it has been fired."

"I didn’t realize the importance of building a ladder to our dreams so that they can become realities, and not just a cloud floating in the sky out of our reach. We are guided towards success and failure in everything we do by the pictures, produced by words, in our minds. These images are imprinted on the screens of our almost computer-like subconscious and if we are bombarded with negative thoughts we will be locked in a dungeon of bondage. Positive thinking will always produce a good outcome. Spectacular success is always preceded by unspectacular preparation. If I hadn’t learned the tremendous amount of power that positive and negative words have on our lives, I would still be stuck in my spider web of confusion, doubt, and fear, trying to extricate myself from its sticky entanglements. I now know that God expects us to be determined, lunging one step further than we feel we can bear, and to never give up. “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”(Proverbs 23:7)".

I want my spark back!
And my determination...
and faith! and expectation of success and prosperity!
I will overcome the fear and invite the courage back into my life!

Cast your cares on the Lord & He will sustain you.
He will never let the righteous fall.



Laurie said...

Apparently, you are in good company: Psalm 13, a psalm of David. "How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? ...But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,for he has been good to me."

Some of our best growth happens during the "dark night of the soul," as it has been called. Rejoice in the journey! All we who love God struggle to figure out who we are--to define ourselves--through all the changing seasons of life. I applaud you that you are willing to share the struggle so openly. That, my friend, is half the battle. [For some of my thoughts on that, you can see http://parksideplace.blogspot.com/2008/05/many-versions-of-me.html]

Thank you for being real and vulnerable! Miss you...

Rachel said...

"I won't deny the worst you could say about me. But i'm not defined by mistakes I have made because God says of me I am not who I was, I am being remade. I am new. I am chosen and holy and I'm dearly loved; I am new. I am new."

I am filled with joy in my soul to hear that you see this and have decided to fight the tide. I'll have you know for as long as I have known you, it has been this spark i've seen in you (even through the interwebs over thousands of miles) that has fanned the flame of imagination and inspiration in my heart and caused me to look up to you as being a real life version of Lucy Pevensie; one fictional character I long to be like. This is why I read Narnia so often; to keep fresh in my heart the scent of freedom: the slight reminisce of my true home that hints can be seen of hiding just around the corner but always out of reach. If you lose heart, who will I journey with?
Jesus knows its' hard, but he wants/needs you to be strong. He will carry you if you cannot stand. Just remember he is our Aslan, who has orchestrated the boat that landed on the shore; lead you towards freedom, protected you from the jackals of the world, regarded your heart as more precious than all the jewels of the earth. He is love; knows your heart, your deepest desires, your fears, your dreams, your faults, weaknesses, strengths and loves the wild, reckless passion you have for truth and beauty and extraordinary things <3
Never stop. Never give up. Never give in. Only one person can give you treasure map to your life; so ask until he gives it to you :-)