Change & transformation.

Lana Lou Ebertz- February 24th, 1989-January 18th, 2008.

My heart is filled to the brink, yet empty at the same time.
there is so much to say! so much to do!
once again.... my colors and my motivation & strength are
locked in a box.

i dream to accomplish things of significance.
but i lack the spirit i need. I do not lack in desire; only the ability to do what i was born to do.
I have come to the conclusion that even though i have no idea what the future has in store, i want nothing less than to be where God wants me to be, to follow his footsteps, and to live only in the glory of his will for me. If i keep floundering around in my own plans, with my own strength what is my life even worth? I want to be used for something spectacular.

I am going through a season of immense change. The changes may seem small or insignificant to others, but they are the biggest changes i've had to face in years... and i feel like my world is being rocked tumultuously. CHANGE is one of the biggest things i struggle with. But without transformation... the metamorphosis from tragic mess into something beautiful would be impossible.

I've had this unbearable pressure inside of me... wanting to burst out from within. i've wanted to write for weeks. but i just feel like i CAN'T until i say this:
We had to say goodbye to our darling cat, Lana Lou Ebertz, on January 18th, 2008.
She was my best friend for almost nineteen years. 
From 2 years old to 20 years, she was a comfort, a companion, and the most beautiful gift God could have ever blessed our family with.
our house is empty without her here & my heart feels even emptier.

I just feel like something is missing now that she is gone.
the speed of time scares me.... losing my cats is like losing a big part of my childhood.
They are the steadiest things that have never changed through the last 20 years....
& now the "sameness." that i've always tried to cling to is being shattered into pieces.

i've always been so determined to NEVER grow up.
but i think it's time.


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kathryn said...

its so nice to see a picture of your beloved kitty. . so sad she's no longer with you, hon. :( xo